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Aug. 17, 2017
University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At the University of Chicago, we strive to encourage independent thinking and learning” said Dean Boyer in a statement responding to the event. “We thought that allowing students to register for classes before having the opportunity to speak with advisors, older students, or really anyone who knows the lay of the land would help to encourage our spirit of rigorous, self-motivated enquiry. Turns out we goofed on that one though. I didn’t even know what UChicago Secrets was a few months ago, but apparently it’s become the number one source of advice for the incoming class.” Boyer also mentioned that the college had received hundreds of requests for non-existent classes that “were extremely vulgar and beneath the dignity of our University. Or any university, really. With the possible exception of Northwestern.” Sandra Blake, an academic advisor, expressed despair at the state of registration. “Honestly, I don’t know how they were all able to register for Honors Analysis. Shouldn’t the class have been full? Probably something to do with switching to Canvas. Frickin’ Canvas.” When asked about the first years themselves, Ms. Blake displayed a similar level of disillusionment and alarming symptoms of several mental disorders: “I just don’t know what to do with them. If I hear one more firstie say ‘Well, I don’t know if you really understand, but I actually did pretty well with math in high school’ I swear I’ll…” (At this point Ms. Blake contorted her fingers in what appeared to be a choking gesture, while doing her best to smile through gritted teeth. After several minutes spent reassuring your correspondent that this was a joke, the interview proceeded.) “I swear, I’ve tried everything. I posted sample problems on my door, you know, to try and deter them, but some smart ass wrote ‘3’ for all of them, and everyone else seems to agree. I’ve changed my email signature to a warning against hubris written by a 14th century monk. I feel like I’ve just run out of options at this point.” Judy Garza, the departmental administrator for the mathematics department, expressed concerns about the logistical challenge posed by the first years. “We’ve filled every classroom actually allotted to us, so we’ve been trying to snag space from the – what are those subjects where you don’t need proof for anything? Right, the humanities. Anyway, we’re stealing their classrooms. And we’ve run out of qualified teachers too. I made a big dent in both those problems by convincing Dean Boyer that students want to hear him lecture on the history of UChicago in Mandel hall. If he ever raises his voice above a mumble we’ll be screwed, but so far, so good. We’re putting those first years anywhere we can.” When asked about his honors analysis class, first year Brody Finlayson was somewhat confused, yet relaxed. “Honors analysis has been going, like, great” he said. “I mean, I expected it, since I was so smart in high school. Didn’t expect there to be so much about Foucault and the neoliberal state, though. Not sure what’s up with that.”
