4 Drawers Your Parents Definitely Shouldn’t Open This Family Weekend
By Zakir Jamal
Oct. 17, 2017
4 Drawers Your Parents Definitely Shouldn’t Open This Family Weekend
1. The bottom drawer of your dresser
Shit — this is where you keep most of the stuff you don’t want your parents to find. Your booze, sexual conquest ledger, four-year supply of bath salts. Still, if your financially conservative parents saw it, they’d probably eventually. “Now, now honey,” your mother would say to you. “Our little baby is growing up. Experimenting is natural. Just make sure you don’t give up on that good Chicago School economic conservatism.”
2. The top drawer of your desk
This is the drawer you’ve always been thankful to have. It’s convenient, has plenty of space, and is close enough to your bed that you can get a condom out of it when you need to without throwing off the flow of things. I bet you’d be totally shocked if the first thing your bible-belt conservative parents did when they came into your room was to walk over here and look inside it for a pen. Uh-oh!
3. The bottom drawer of the storage unit you keep under your bed
Condoms may have merited harsh retribution, but that’s nothing compared to how your parents are going to react when they open this drawer looking for cleaning supplies and find something far worse: your SOSC readings! What’s this? “The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism?” That sounds like it could challenge both of those things! And what could be right underneath it but — “Son, why are you reading Marx? Honey I told you the liberal school system would corrupt him.”
4. The middle drawer of your dresser
Oh yes — just above the bottom dresser drawer lurks something worse. You filthy person, this is where you keep your
BONUS: Your closet
That’s right, the last drawer isn’t even a drawer at all. Your Bostonian, Puritan parents definitely still shouldn’t look inside, though. Dresses that end above the ankle? A rolled-up poster for non-Christian rock? Dirty socks outside your laundry basket? You’re fucked, kiddo.
