Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing
By Sam Stephenson
Oct. 26, 2018
On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing.
“I was sick of all my standard blights upon humanity: plague, famine, kids named Chad and the like. I needed some new horror to unleash upon the world, so I decided to merge the twin evils of fraternities and business into a chimeric monstrosity, the likes of which have never been seen. It was brilliant. We spent months perfecting it,” commented Satan, flabbergasted that mankind had somehow created such an abomination independent of any demonic influence.
At UChicago, some AKPSI brothers immediately began to distance themselves from the fraternity after hearing the news. “Yeah, I just joined that frat because it seemed like something to do. I wasn’t like a real part of it or anything,” said Lou McCallister before repeatedly muttering, “God save me,” and switching his major from Economics to Religious Studies.
Others were elated. “It’s great to see someone as important as Satan endorse us. Maybe we’ll add a few legions of hell to our chapter and expand the alumni network to the underworld,” Gino D’Angelo told the Dealer.
Astaroth, Great Duke of Hell, was disgusted by this offer. “I’d never join something so vile. Sure, I’m a demonic beast spawned in the darkest pits of hell and my sole purpose is to sow sorrow and misery, but I still have standards.”
Owen Parsons had already assumed that Satan was involved in the creation of business frats and was shocked to find out otherwise. “Wait. I thought this was secretly a Satanic cult. You’re saying human beings just came up with this shit? Is this why no one came to my midnight rituals? What the hell?”
At press time, Satan was busy working on his newest project, “the most hideous building known to man.” Members of the infernal pantheon did not have the heart to remind him of the existence of Max Palevsky Residential Commons.
