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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics,  Scientific Excellence

    Supreme Court Overturns Measles Vaccine v. Measles

    Alasdair Greenland / April 8, 2025

    "Writing for the Court’s conservative majority in Super Measles v. Measles Vaccine, Chief Justice John Roberts said 'it is the opinion of this court that despite persuasive arguments by the Measles Vaccine, we…

    read more
  • Politics

    Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows

    Jacob Halabe / April 7, 2025

    Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer…

    read more
  • Politics

    After Seeing Trump’s Shitshow, Democrats Attempt to Resurrect Jimmy Carter for 2028

    Vivian Psylos / April 4, 2025

    "The results of this past election clearly indicate that Americans want a really old white dude to be their president. We won in 2020 with Joe Biden, who’s like the third oldest boy of…

    read more
  • Politics

    Dog Couple Discuss Getting Neutered in Light of Political Climate

    Katherine Reynolds / April 2, 2025

    “Bitches like me are at a high risk for pyometra,” says five-year-old Lola-Bear, a yellow lab, “and following recent decisions made by the federal government, I don’t trust that doctors will prioritize my…

    read more
  • Politics

    RFK Jr. Declares That Snow Can Cause ADHD

    Vivian Psylos / March 30, 2025

    According to new directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever…

    read more
  • Politics

    Trump in Talks to Buy Atlantis from Aquaman

    Chase Teichholz / March 26, 2025

    “Arthur Curry, we call him ‘puny fish-man.’ What a loser! Your tremendous President is here to make a promise: once we have bought it, Atlantis shall be named ‘America in Water.’ America in…

    read more
  • Politics

    Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Directing Economy to Be “Good” Instead of “Bad”

    Jake Felsen / March 22, 2025

    The other executive orders signed today include a variety of measures that Donald Trump has been hoping to enact for a long time, including Executive Order 14185: “Bring us more jobs”, and Executive…

    read more
  • Politics

    RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: “It’s Really Not That Bad!”

    Lydia Osborn / March 20, 2025

    "Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”

    read more
  • Politics

    Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / March 18, 2025

    At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

    read more
  • Politics

    Supreme Court Rules Fourth Amendment Intended Ironically

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / January 16, 2025

    “A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

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