And Brad, if you’re reading this, just remember – being British is not your fault, but you should absolutely be blamed for it.

"He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."

It might also help you face the fact that you, Daisy’s most trusted confidant, are about to slit her throat and cut off her beautiful warbling head forever.

“But, Thuddeus,” you say, “$8500 a month is a lot of money. That’s enough to buy, like, 850 bananas.”

I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.

First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…

Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.

You reject moi from the Blue Chips?! I do your RSO a favor by gracing you with my presence, and this is how you repay me?

A note on methodology: in our blind testing, sampling teams tasted salts found on streets and sidewalks alike.

When I was a kid, my grandmother would ask me to write down what I was thankful for each year. In the past, I have been thankful for my friends and my family,…