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All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot
By Antonia Salisbury Aug. 7, 2018 95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if…
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TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up
By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018 In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent…
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Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn’t Want You To Know About
By Ella Hester April 20, 2018 Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics…
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Canada Geese Migrate South as Spring Approaches
By Diego Matamoros Feb. 20, 2018 A Flock of Canada Geese leaving Hyde Park for the Summer Spring has arrived in Chicago, and with it the familiar scenes that mark the changing of…
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Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
By Thomas Noriega Feb. 19, 2018 As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out…
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Sponsored Advertisement — PACKED: Dumplings Reimagined
By Reed Thurston Oct. 18, 2017 Listen: Forget everything you thought you knew about dumplings until now. Coming this month to rock the foodie scene in Hyde Park is PACKED, a new kind…
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Campus’s Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer’s Bike
By Sarah de Vegvar Oct. 17, 2017 While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,.” it could easily and realistically reallytThe nickname should realisticallybe shortened to “where fun cums.”…
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My Day in the Marketplace of Ideas
By Chase Harrison Aug. 22, 2017 My Day in the Marketplace of Ideas By Chase Harrison The letter arrived in my mailbox with a flourish, shooting into my house. Was this FINALLY…
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College Student Actually Thinks Grandma Wears Big “Proud UChicago Grandparent” Pin Everyday
By Ella Hester May 16, 2017 Second-year in the college Kate Todd recently told the Dealer that she truly believes that her grandma wears an approximately 2×2” pin that features the text “Proud…
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“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
