By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…

By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…

By Evan Bernstein Dec. 24, 2013 Citing the stress of midterms and the “total need for some chillaxing,” Dean Boyer has declared a campus-wide “weed weekend” beginning January 16th, 2014. Although the traditional…

By Robert Zimmer Nov. 9, 2013 Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I…

By Walker King Oct. 18, 2013 A high profile murder investigation took another turn as controversial University of Chicago Admissions Officer Ryan Sterling was reportedly asked to turn in his badge and gun…

By UIC Student Aug. 2, 2013 I’m so tired of people asking me about UIC. As college students, you’ll understand my struggle. As if it isn’t enough that wehave to have the same…

By Matthew Goldenberg May 27, 2013 As part of the University of Chicago’s effort to revitalize commercial activity in Hyde Park, several new restaurants and stores havebeen established along 53rd and 55th Streets…

By Ben Boyajian April 25, 2013 In breaking news, Robert Zimmer, President of the University, has announced that he is pregnant with twins. Zimmer’s pregnancy came as a surprise – especially given the…

By Anna Newport Feb. 24, 2013 A new study commissioned by the Office of the Dean of Students’ has concluded that many of the academic and personal problems experienced by first-year students stem…

By Nigel Pennington Feb. 4, 2013 Anno Domini 1161—Today, I’d like to talk about today’s hot animal-related topic: dragons. Everyone’s heard of them, nobody’s seen them, but everybody’s afraid of them. Well, there…