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Liebniz Throws Apple at Newton
By Matthew Goldenberg (1685) Jan. 25, 2014 The scientific community of Europe is in uproar this week after hearing that Gottfried Leibniz threw an apple at Isaac Newtonon this this last Tuesday. The…
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Birds Elect to Freeze Rather Than Migrate to Florida
By Terry Hines Dec. 24, 2013 This winter, America’s migratory birds have chosen to try their luck with the freezing temperatures of the North rather than face the state of Florida. The plethora…
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Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 “Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind…
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The Mandelbaum Translation Is Way Better than the Fagles
By Allen Mandelbaum Oct. 19, 2013 Translation is a dead art. No one would deny that. But it’s one thing to let a dead art stay dead, and it’s another thing to keep…
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I Wanted to Have an O-mance with Her, but Her Internship Prospects Just weren’t good enough
By Mark Sands Aug. 2, 2013 There’s a cute girl in my advising group. I get that she’s attractive, but she has no future. She said she wants a Ph.D. in Sociology. If…
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Crowd Awed by Slack Liner Dangling Inches From Ground
By James Ekstrom May 27, 2013 Last Wednesday began like any other spring day on the Quads. Frisbees were being thrown, classes were being conducted in the grass, and the sun’s rays were…
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98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea
By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…
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March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…
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Frida Kahlo smiles
By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…
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Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws
By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…
