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Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access
By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…
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Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle
By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…
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Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It
By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…
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Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick
By By Reed Thurston Oct. 17, 2017 According to our political correspondents in Washington, D.C., the ongoing federal Investigation into Russia’s 2016 election interferenceinfluence made new headway earlier this week i in the…
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5 Things You CAN Stare at directly
By Nik Varley Aug. 23, 2017 The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our…
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Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director
By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…
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Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”
By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…
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Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior
By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…
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Discovered: Office Memos Between DOJ District Attorneys and Jeff Sessions
By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally…
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Holy Shit, a Big Horse!
By Trojans, 1300 BCE Feb. 6, 2017 Hey guys, you see this? By Aphrodite’s large busty blessing, how are we so lucky?. LOOK AT THIS BIG-G– ASS MOTHERFUCKING HORSE. What do you mean,…
