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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Shady Dealer’s Must-Take Classes of Summer 2018

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deblina Mukherjee April 20, 2018 1. Dystopia, Utopia, Australia (NELC 69300) The scope of the honors section is the same as the standard section, but it covers material at greater depth and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Freegan Group’s Newest Member Also the Healthiest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Greer Baxter Jan. 19, 2018 Members of the local freegan meet-up group Impact: Zero! are starting to question the commitment of newest member Mike Fitzpatrick, who joined three months ago. Says group…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I’m Still Trapped in the Tornado Exhibit at the MSI

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 Greetings, fellow first-years! My name is Jacob Johnson, and while you don’t remember me by name, you probably remember me as the awkward blond kid whose sweaty…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Questionable Purchases

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Aug. 25, 2017 It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape.; Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year discovers “Life of the Mind” is no way of life, and only somewhat mind

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Claire Holland Aug. 17, 2017 When first year Abby Kincaid first stepped foot on campus, she knew it was home. “It was like, my whole life I had been too smart for…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mac Demarco Fan Explains, “Yeah, but My Frat Is Just Like the Anti-Frat”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 Mac Demarco fan explains, “yeah but my frat is just like the anti-frat” “So, I’m pledging now.” No one said anything, but Zeke could tell everyone at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sasha Obama Founds Kids Next Door

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Following the end of her father’s term as President, Natashia “Sasha” Obama has decided to dedicate her time to establishing the Kids Next Door (K.N.D.).  For those…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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