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After First Beers, First Years Cry First Tears
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…
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Fashion Scientists Search for New Black Substitute
By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…
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University of Chicago Announces Todd Awareness Day
By Noah Lemelson April 20, 2014 Caving to popular demand,, The University of Chicago announced yesterday that it will host a Todd Awareness Day on June 13th. Many suspect the University’s decision may…
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Boyer to Reopen Anatomy Department in His Basement
By Walker King Feb. 22, 2014 Speaking to members of the press yesterday,University Dean John Boyer announced that the University of Chicago would be reopening its anatomy department in the basement of Boyer’s…
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Joan of Arc Burned at Steak and Shake
By Evan Bernstein (1431) Jan. 24, 2014 And so it was that yesterday, the 30th of May, in the year of our Lord 1431, that the girl Joan of Arc was burned at…
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Frosty the Snowman Dead at 37
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 17, 2013 Frosty the Snowman, beloved Children’s icon and opiate addict , died in his Southern California home on Tuesday aged 37.While the cause of death is still under…
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Point: The Weather outside is frightful. Counterpoint: Death will come soon.
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 By Sammy Cahn Oh, the weather outside is frightful – but the fire is so delightful. And since we’ve no place to go, let it snow! Let…
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I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat
By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…
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Study: Over 85% of IM Frisbee Participants Have No Idea What’s Going On
By Zach Augustine June 2, 2013 HYDE PARK—Recent studies suggest that over three-quarters of participants in Coed Intramural Frisbee Leagues “don’t even know how to throw”. Multiple firstyear girls, coerced to play in…
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Main Quad Drainage on Par with Peer Institutions
By Zachary Augustine May 6, 2013 Researchers at the new Institute for Data Sets recently finished their four-year study on the state of water drainage in high traffic areas at elite-level institutions. Colleges…
