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March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…
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Frida Kahlo smiles
By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…
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Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws
By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…
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Calculus Students Learn Drinking Limits Following Midterms
By Diane Zimmerman Nov. 10, 2012 The best place for a mathematician may be behind a counter, but reports this weekend found them on top of the bar. After a particularly difficult round…
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Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: The Diffident Tree Shrew
By Sam Spiegel Oct. 21, 2012 The Diffident Tree Shrew, contrary to what its name implies, is neither diffident, nor tree-dwelling, nora shrew. A member of the mountain tortoise family, the diffident tree…
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Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New “Alive Girl” Online
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 16, 2019 This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders,…
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Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting
By Calpernia Higginbotham Dec. 5, 2018 You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself.…
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Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018 Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks…
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Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing. “I was sick of…
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Seven Places You MUST Barf This O-Week
By Deblina Mukherjee Sept. 24, 2018 Navigating the University’s historic campus can be hard, especially during the hustle and bustle of O-Week! To learn your way around, here are the seven places…
