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Area Man Dies of Zumba
By Morgan Pantuck July 21, 2015 Area man Ted Peterson passed away in a tragic Zumba accident earlier this weekend. Peterson, 31, was lifting weights at his local gym when he passed an…
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An Exclusive Interview with My Least Favorite Neighbor
By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 n Exclusive Interview with my Least Favorite NeighborYou waited months and months, and The Chicago Shady Dealer finally got hold of him. I sat down with none…
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New Realistic Barbie to Have Anxiety, Depression
By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 Parents and children alike are buzzing with excitement over Mattel, Inc.’s recent announcement that the company will release a new, realistic Barbie doll this summer, “Sad-Feelings Sandra.”…
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20 Best Fundamentals Questions
By Milena Pross March 1, 2015 The “Fundamentals: Issues and Texts” concentration is an interdisciplinary program in which a student poses a question about human existence and spends the next three years attempting…
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Eight Helpful Tips for Couples Trying to Start a Family
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 BIRMINGHAM, 1898 – Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It’s no wonder they’re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it…
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After Brief Contemplation, God Decides He’s on Board with Genocide
By Isaac Krone Dec. 31, 2014 After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe…
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News in Brief: October 23, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 “Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend” The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends”…
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GPA Fellates Student
By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…
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Therapy Dogs Wracked with “Feelings of Inadequacy” upon Arrival at UChicago
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…
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Human Cannonball Enters the Canon
By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…
