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Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
Along with several other bowls of loose adderall, students have reported boxes of stanozolol across from the treadmills in Henry Crown Field House, ritalin in A-Level vending machines, and Easter baskets of Viagra…
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UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
The ex-tour guide, second-year Hugh Mungo, refused to comment unless the Dealer agreed to write an article slamming all ten different business RSOs that rejected him. Prevented by its incomparably scrupulous ethical code…
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Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
I found out that my mom took one Tylenol when she was pregnant with me. This raised concerns, given that the Department of Health and Human Services has linked Tylenol during pregnancy to…
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“Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise
Mamdani proceeded to step from behind his podium, take a basketball from one of the moderators, and shoot from his spot on the stage all the way to the other side of the…
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Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
The Dealer is proud to announce its newest product: single-use light bulbs.
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Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
A group of expert scientists using audio equipment, strict observance, and double blind studies have confirmed that the whistling we first reported on only a few minutes ago is indeed getting steadily closer.
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How to Deal With Writer’s Block: A Shady Guide
As they say, what is a block if not something to stand on?
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“A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold
Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…
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UChicago Student Devastated By “A” Grade
“The once-sacrosanct standards of academic rigor at this university have catastrophically declined. I made several trivial blunders while formulating my final essay, and yet I still received an exemplary grade in Power.”
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UChicago Announces $200 Million “Free Expression+” Tier
Participants will be allowed to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC classes as part of the Free Expression+ Core.
