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First Year Steps on Seal
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 16, 2014 Traditional UChicago folklore includes the long-held superstition that stepping on the seal in the Reynolds club will prevent you from graduating in 4 years. That legend was…
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Review: Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka
By Matt Montequin Oct. 25, 2012 You may remember vodka from high school. All vodka is essentially rubbing alcohol, or so you thought on prom night. If you are a premium adult beverage…
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Satire Meeting Gets Political
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Last week’s meeting of The Plantain, The University of East Florida’s satirical newspaper descended into chaos following a pitch form one of its members. Contributor Nina Belleisa…
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Harvard Grades Pop
By Morgan Pantuck, 2031 Jan. 22, 2016 After several decades of substantial inflation, a recent study sponsored by the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently confirmed that the grades at Harvard University…
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Summer Plans Ambitious
By Evan Bernstein May 13, 2014 According to sources close to the naive second-year, Robert Kleinman is incredibly excited to begin his summer. According to information provided confidentially to The Dealer, Kleinman has…
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Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack…
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“So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote
It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…
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Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 8, 2018 Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to…
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Betsy DeVos Cackles at Orphan Humbly Asking for More Gruel
By Nik Varley Feb. 7, 2017 Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as…
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My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall
By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…
