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98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea
By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…
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March Madness overtakes nation: Millions stabbed and bludgeoned to death in streets
By Ben Boyajian Feb. 24, 2013 Sunday morning, pandemonium reigned throughout the nation as citizens stabbed and bludgeoned each other to death in the streets. The cause of the killings remains unknown, but…
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Frida Kahlo smiles
By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…
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Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws
By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…
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Calculus Students Learn Drinking Limits Following Midterms
By Diane Zimmerman Nov. 10, 2012 The best place for a mathematician may be behind a counter, but reports this weekend found them on top of the bar. After a particularly difficult round…
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Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: The Diffident Tree Shrew
By Sam Spiegel Oct. 21, 2012 The Diffident Tree Shrew, contrary to what its name implies, is neither diffident, nor tree-dwelling, nora shrew. A member of the mountain tortoise family, the diffident tree…
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Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather
By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018 In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part…
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Is He Flirting With You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?
By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 5, 2018 Dating at UChicago can be difficult. Sometimes it’s not so clear whether that special person is demonstrating an interest in you or if he’s drumming up attention…
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“So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote
It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…
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Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the…
