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University Introduces Live Bears to Campus in Crackdown on Safe Spaces
By Reed Thurston Aug. 17, 2017 After last year’s controversial memorandum on free speech, the university doubled-down on its commitment to intellectual free enterprise this week. Administrators revealed a new “curricular reinvigoration” project…
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Second Year Confused Why People Different from Him Don’t Feel the Bern
By Mary Vansuch March 3, 2016 Danny McDonald, areaa University of Chicago second– year undergraduate reported to be of “the whitest, upper class fashion”, was left fundamentally confused on Super Tuesday as to why…
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First Year Steps on Seal
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 16, 2014 Traditional UChicago folklore includes the long-held superstition that stepping on the seal in the Reynolds club will prevent you from graduating in 4 years. That legend was…
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Review: Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka
By Matt Montequin Oct. 25, 2012 You may remember vodka from high school. All vodka is essentially rubbing alcohol, or so you thought on prom night. If you are a premium adult beverage…
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Satire Meeting Gets Political
By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Last week’s meeting of The Plantain, The University of East Florida’s satirical newspaper descended into chaos following a pitch form one of its members. Contributor Nina Belleisa…
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Harvard Grades Pop
By Morgan Pantuck, 2031 Jan. 22, 2016 After several decades of substantial inflation, a recent study sponsored by the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently confirmed that the grades at Harvard University…
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Summer Plans Ambitious
By Evan Bernstein May 13, 2014 According to sources close to the naive second-year, Robert Kleinman is incredibly excited to begin his summer. According to information provided confidentially to The Dealer, Kleinman has…
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Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack…
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“So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote
It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…
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Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 8, 2018 Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to…
