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UChicago Unveils New “Disorientation” Week
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…
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OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?
By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…
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Botany Pond Opens For New Year of Swimming
By Willamina Greothing Sept. 22, 2015
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Occidental Institute Begins Study of “Baseball”
By Jeremy Archer Oct. 20, 2013 CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of…
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Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access
By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…
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Nerd Pretends to Follow MLB For World Series
By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…
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Critics Call Yoga in Schools “Discriminatory” Against Kids Who Do That Fast Leg-Shaking Thing
By Dan Lastres April 23, 2015 The school board of California’s Fresno Unified School District announced last week a plan to include yoga in its physical education curriculum for the 2015-16 school year,…
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98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea
By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…
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Campus’s Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer’s Bike
By Sarah de Vegvar Oct. 17, 2017 While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,.” it could easily and realistically reallytThe nickname should realisticallybe shortened to “where fun cums.”…
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Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…
