By Helen Regenstein, 1951 Feb. 2, 2017 Hey, can I bitch to you for a little? I’ve been spending way too much time in the Reg lately, a. And I hate it. The…

By Grace Quigley Nov. 15, 2015 In a surprisingcurious turn of events, the turkey pardoned by President Obama before Thanksgiving of 2009 has passed its sixth year at the detention camp in Guantanamo…

By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…

By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018   In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…

By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…

By Willamina Greothing Sept. 22, 2015

By Jeremy Archer Oct. 20, 2013 CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of…

By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…

By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…

By CNN March 1, 2015 For years, CNN has prided itself on keeping its valued viewers abreast of the latest and most serious threats to their well-being and property. Some have deemed our…