-
Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…
-
Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm
By Patrick Sheehan Nov. 2, 2018 Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer,…
-
Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join
By Olivia Reeves Oct. 18, 2018 At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when…
-
Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell
By News Desk Sept. 5, 2018 At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute…
-
LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
-
Curveball! MAB Announces a Two-Hour Phone Call with Your Disappointed Parents Will Headline Summer Breeze!
By Dealer News Desk April 25, 2018 Summer Breeze In a surprise twist, UChicago’s Major Activities Board has announced that its annual Summer Breeze Concert will be headlined by a two-hour phone call…
-
Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access
By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…
-
Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle
By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…
-
Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far
By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of…
-
Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
