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Likeness of Toast Found on Virgin Mary
By Jeremy Archer Feb. 4, 2013 JERUSALEM (AP): Sources close to the Messiah report the peculiar outline of toast on the face of the Lady Marian, mother of Jesus Christ. Machir, 34, a…
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First Year Excited to be Surrounded by Diverse Group of Assholes
By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student Aug. 17, 2017 Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain…
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P/CP: Help! I got a “2100” on my STD
By Danny Marcus and Daniel Markus April 5, 2016 Point: Help, I got “2100” on my STD test By Danny Marcus Excuse me,—does anyone know what it means to get a 2100 on…
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The P in P-Set is Silent
By Editorial Board Nov. 16, 2014 We realize that at the University of Chicago, stress can get to you. There are classes to take, midterms for which to study, student groups in which…
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Report: 78% of Brita filter owners are the only ones who ever fill the damn thing
By Becky Stoner Oct. 22, 2012 A study conducted by researchers in the Division of the Social Sciences at the University of Chicago found that 78% of Brita filter owners report being the…
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Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Wednesday, April 10At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednesday afternoon, local UChicago first-years Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner became locked in a stunning display of over-politeness mixed with…
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Bernie Sanders Leans Too Far Left in Debate; Falls Down
By Anna Newport Jan. 18, 2016 Charleston, S.C. –—- Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Democratic debate Sunday night when Bernie Sanders, the 74-year-old Senator from Vermont, leaned too far left in his…
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Student Throws Pepper Shaker onto Balcony, Escapes Samsara
By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Bartlett Dining Commons was the site of a strange occurrence last Tuesday, when third-year Bret Stevenson escaped samsara during the crowded dinner rush. Bret was reportedly engaged…
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HVZ-Related Injuries at Record High After New Rule Allows Melee Weapons
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players. Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…
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119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 Ø Ø The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules and regulations, requiring members to conduct all official business…
