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Opinion: Aggressive pointing the best way to deal with other’s bullshit
By Dan’s Tough Dad Jan. 8, 2015 You’re all young people, right? Younger than me at least. Well, when I was young the world was different and everybody said what they meant and…
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University to Close South, Max P, Snitchcock, and Burton Judson
By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Jan. 3, 2013 Following the positive feedback the University received upon its announcement of plans to close and destroy Pierce Tower over the upcoming summer, the Housing Office has decided…
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Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White House
By Thomas Noriega April 25, 2017 Jeb(!) Bush Caught Tunneling into White HouseBy Thomas Noriega In the first major security scare of the Trump administration, Secret Service agents recently discovered a series of…
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This Twelve-Year-Old Played Blindfolded Simultaneous Chess Against Six Grandmasters And Got Slaughtered by All of Them
By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Kyle Jacoby is only in the fifth grade, but already he thinks he’s some sort of chess prodigy. To test his mettle, he challenged six grand–masters to…
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University Librarian Tears into Pages
By Alexander Dunlap Oct. 24, 2014 Newly appointed University Librarian Brenda Johnson launched a spirited attack on the pages of the University’s libraries today, calling them “spineless good-for-nothings incapable of recalling instructions for…
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Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019 Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…
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University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” Program
By Christopher Walker Feb. 6, 2017 This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very…
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Which Oscar Nominees Pass the Bechdel Test? We Didn’t Check.
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 The Oscar nominations were announced on Thursday, and already and many of tthemwhichthe nominees have been praised for their unique storytelling and captivating performances by some of…
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Student Viciously Trundles to Class
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 26, 2014 Engaged in a mode of locomotion which can only truly be described as “trundling,” first-year Maxwell Kagan viciously attempted to increase the speed at which he moved…
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Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson
By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018 After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana…
