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Desperate Ruth Bader Ginsburg Asks If Anyone Interested in Joining a Fantasy Baseball League on Short Notice
By Jacob Levin Feb. 16, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sent out a mass email this Sunday to over 100 of her colleagues…
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Public School Kid Discovered in Student Body
By James Newton Oct. 23, 2014 On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief…
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Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don’t Have a Date
By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019 Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero…
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Six Things Every Schoolchild Should Know Before We Send Them To The Mines
By Rudolf Steiner, 1907 Feb. 6, 2017 Kids these days have all sorts of fun in school, but are they really learning enough to prepare them for a life of coal? I’m Rudolf…
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Area Student’s Daily Schedule Totally Unchanged By Lockdown
By Ryan Fleishman Dec. 1, 2015 After all classes and activities aton thethe entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus wereas cancelled and the campus putput on lockdown due to a terrorist threat…
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God to Take Matters into Own Hands
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…
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First Impressions: Writing a Bomb AF SOSC Essay
By Ella Hester Sept. 24, 2018 Look at you, in your little first year boots, squealing in terror about the impression you’ll make with your first SOSC essay. Have no fear, baby…
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Bruce Wayne’s Wife Annoyed All Bruce Does Is Put “Bat” Before Existing Sex Position
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…
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Practical Guide to Being a Fuckboy
By Juan Caicedo Oct. 16, 2015 Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a…
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First Snow is a Credit Whore
By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the…
