By Jalen Jiang Feb. 20, 2018   A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting ‘YES’ votes over 95 ‘NO’…

By Morgan’s Sense of Self Awareness Aug. 21, 2016 I’m not going to deny that we live in a male-dominated society which consistently attempts to delegitimize the female experience. However, you are currently…

By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 I would like to formally convey my sincerest apologies to Miss Anne Marie Wilson of Marietta, Ohio, for what I assure you was an innocent, albeit fundamental,…

By Matthew Goldenberg April 17, 2013 In a shocking spike in the local crime rate, police officials have reported that nearly all 5,000 undergraduate students at the University of Chicago were mugged or…

By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017 A third year Weirdo is preparing for his third annual consumption of the Chicago Manual of Style, by way of his asshole. When asked of his methods,…

By Walker King April 27, 2016 After receiving the fourth email this quarter with the subject line “Sad News,” second year Michelle Kang wondered aloud how she might go about unsubscribing from that…

By Teddy Zamborsky Dec. 8, 2014 T’was the night before finals and all the through the dorm Not a student was stirring, trying to keep warm The papers were done, written without a…

By Walker King Nov. 12, 2012 Details have just begun to emerge regarding the conditions in Professor Barry Heitzman’s section of the Greek Thought and Literature class, where students were reportedly kept chained…

By Chase Harrison April 20, 2017 “This is Just like Hogwarts,” exclaims Prospie in NorthBy Chase HarrisonNoting its high ceilings and maze-like design, Prospie Jacqueline Robbins could not stop comparing the newly built…

By Mildred Prossmith, 1912 Jan. 22, 2016 Dear Esteemed “Chicago Shady Dealer,” I’m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New…