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Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…
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Am I Happy in this Relationship or Am I Just Passing Math?
By Baunnee Martinez Nov. 12, 2016 The soft, silky sheet. The streaks of gray that flutter across the page. The brush of the red pen on the the top corner of the calculus…
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How to Smoke a Cigarette
By Vivienne Foumeau, Paris Correspondent Aug. 1, 2015 Make sure you are visibly positioned among your group friends as you loiter, perhaps on a street corner or in a public park. With a…
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I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat
By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…
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My Opinion is Valid Because I Use Hyperlinks
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 20, 2018 A Classic Hyperlink There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see…
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Point: All My Feelings Are Valid
By Morgan Pantuck Aug. 21, 2016 We live in an overwhelmingly patriarchal society. The male experience is considered standard and objective, while women are viewed as incomplete or deviant forms of men. For…
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Obama Library to Replace South Side
By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Representatives of the Barack Obama Foundation announced Sunday that they have made their recommendation to the President, and that the President has made his decision regarding the…
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Exclusive: Undercover UCPD Officers Rampant in University Administration
By Stephen Lurie March 4, 2013 A Chicago Shady Dealer investigation has uncovered indisputable evidence that police officers in the employ of the UCPD have been operating undercover in a wide array of…
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Why We Won’t Be Accepting the Nobel Prize for Truth-Telling
By Editorial Board of The Chicago Shady Dealer Oct. 12, 2017 The Chicago Shady Dealer is honored to have been awarded the illustrious Nobel Prize in Truth-Telling. In these dark times when truth…
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Tragedy! Area Student Finishes Her Drink Before the Rest of Her Meal
By Nik Varley April 26, 2016 In an event that can only be described as a tragedy, area student Sarah McDowell finished her drink while she was only halfway through her meal. The…
