-
I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
By the Reg Elevators Oct. 24, 2014 Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears. You arrive with your…
-
They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019 Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like…
-
An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…
-
Female Philosophy Major Thought Experiments With Women
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…
-
Humor Magazine Kid Won’t Stop Talking About Incest
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 24, 2014 According to sources at the University of Chicago Humor Magazine, this one kid will just not stop suggesting articles about incest. The phenomenon began in December 2013,…
-
Richard Thaler Depressed After No Longer Being the Center of Attention
By JJ Zheng Oct. 8, 2018 Credit: Getty Images Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.…
-
Silver Lining: She Might Not Be President, But Hillary Clinton Is Our New IOP Fellow!
By Chase Harrison and Milena Pross Dec. 3, 2016 The Institute of Politics announced that former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be a fellow in residence this winter. Clinton will host a series…
-
Economics Major Enlightens Bernie Sanders
By Mary Vansuch Oct. 16, 2015 Yesterday, Bret Whitefish was just another second-year economics major. Today, however, he became a national American hero. Feeling sorry for Senator Bernie Sanders’ economic ignorance, the second-year…
-
Phil Per Class Discussion Reaches Climax
By Zach Augustine Nov. 9, 2013 A quickie recap of last week’s Hum class group project developed into a heated and extended session last Tuesday. Eyewitness reports indicate that Atticus Bloom and Richard…
-
Reverse Caption Contest
By Shady Dealer Staff April 20, 2018 Here at the Shady Dealer, we have concrete and irrefutable evidence that the New Yorker is a high minded and low brow rag for coastal elites.…
