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Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking Undertaking
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match.…
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To Counter the Influence of Old Corporate Billionaires, Let’s Elect a Bunch of Young Environmentalist Tech Billionaires
By The DNC March 9, 2017 November was an absolute shellacking. We now only have six states with both Democratic governors and state legislatures. Now that Tom Perez has won the DNC Chairmanship,…
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University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” Program
By Christopher Walker Feb. 6, 2017 This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very…
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We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…
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No, I’m Not a Fuccboi; Yes, I’m Sleeping with Both Girls in My SOSC Class
By Liam Coles Jan. 17, 2017 Recently, I had an experience, which I found not only wildly offensive but also frankly inaccurate. My good friend David and I were hanging out, and I…
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Ten Flavors of Chitterlings for Your Holiday Season
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 For the uninitiated, in most every household in the United States, the real star of any family meal is the chitterlings. Those sweet, foul-smelling pig parts could…
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Perfect Holiday Gifts for that One Friend Who Struggles with Object Permanence
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 15, 2016 We all have that one special person in our lives who still gets a kick out of playing peek-a-boo. So this holiday season, let your object-permanence-challenged someone…
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OMG Christmas and Hanukkah are going to be on the same day!
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 10, 2016 Point: I am so excited to for Hanukkah’s 1st night to be Christmas this year. The last time the two coincided was in 1959, and it won’t…
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University Transfers to New Bone Based Meal Plan with Bone Appetite
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Students returning from their summer break were surprised to find the meal stations in their dining halls filled with various animal bones. The change prompted by the…
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Your Favorite Presidential Candidates, Reimagined as Disney Princesses
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…
