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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study Finds Most Men Would Be Gay if it Weren’t for the Penis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 According to joint working group of New York University neurologists and sociologists, almost 98% of men claim that they would engage in all manner of homosexual activity…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019 Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday Party

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic, September 17, 1970 Feb. 6, 2017 Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday PartySeptember 17, 1970World famous rockers Jimi Hendrix, a visionary guitarist, and Jim Morrison, vocalist of psychedelic…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Nominated for Oscar for Daily Performance of Gender

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 When the Oscar Nominees were announced on January 24th, many of the usual candidates were nominated: Leonardo di Caprio, Cate Blanchett, and Eddie Redmayne. However, one complete…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Poverty Finally Solved When Everyone Just Tries Harder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    America’s Most European Supermarket, Indeed: Treasure Island Files for Bankruptcy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chicago Shady Dealer News Desk Sept. 29, 2018   Treasure Island, a Hyde Park grocery store that touts itself as “America’s Most European Supermarket” took its emulation of Europe a step further…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kellogg’s “Rasputin-O’s” Not Selling So Well in Russia

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    7 Weirdest Things You’ll Find in the Basements of Academic Buildings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Oct. 16, 2015 1. A Sex Dungeon: Thanks to generous funding from the Uncommon Fund, RACK, UChicago’s BDSM Club, there is now a fully equipped sex dungeon in the basement…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    30% of UChicago Crushes Written While Masturbating

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2013 Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating. UChicago…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter from the Editors: Please Buy Us Sinclair Broadcast Group

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Lastres and Milena Pross April 20, 2018 To the lovely people, responsible journalists, and concerned citizens of the Sinclair Broadcast Group: We understand that your organization is working tirelessly to acquire…

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Read It and Weep

  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

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