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Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access
By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…
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Nerd Pretends to Follow MLB For World Series
By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…
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Critics Call Yoga in Schools “Discriminatory” Against Kids Who Do That Fast Leg-Shaking Thing
By Dan Lastres April 23, 2015 The school board of California’s Fresno Unified School District announced last week a plan to include yoga in its physical education curriculum for the 2015-16 school year,…
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98% of North Koreans Unable to Find a Map in North Korea
By Sam Spiegel April 25, 2013 In a recent survey conducted by the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea’s Department of Education, and obtained by the Chicago Shady Dealer, a shocking 98% of…
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Campus’s Hottest New Hookup Spot? Dean Boyer’s Bike
By Sarah de Vegvar Oct. 17, 2017 While UChicago lays claim to the nickname “where fun comes to die,.” it could easily and realistically reallytThe nickname should realisticallybe shortened to “where fun cums.”…
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Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…
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More Sightings of Area’s Wittiest Man
By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 As 2014 drew to a close, the Dealer received numerous reports of encounters with an exceedingly sharp-witted man in the area. claiming he would “see [us] next…
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University of Chicago Compiles First Database of “Things That Are Not Sandwiches”
By Sam Spiegel Jan. 3, 2013 Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database…
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Grounds of Being Proved Logically Inconsistent
By Thomas Noriega April 21, 2017 Grounds of Being Proved Logically InconsistentBy Thomas Noriega Earlier today, students were shocked and saddened to learn thatTragic news today as Grounds of Being, the popular cash-only…
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Desperate Ruth Bader Ginsburg Asks If Anyone Interested in Joining a Fantasy Baseball League on Short Notice
By Jacob Levin Feb. 16, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sent out a mass email this Sunday to over 100 of her colleagues…
