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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ORCSA To Terminate RSO Program, Become Coffee Shop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Senior Director For Coffee Life Sarah Cunningham Aug. 4, 2013 Due to the overwhelming feedback we’ve received from students concerning our plans for Hallowed Grounds, the Office of the Reynolds Club and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deblina Mukherjee Feb. 20, 2018 Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Drinking sweet tea above the Mason-Dixon is cultural appropriation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles April 23, 2016 CJust the other day, controversy broke out recently after it was discovered that several groups above the Mason Dixon line have been were selling the beverage, originally…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 5 Ways to Meet People on TransLoc

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross March 1, 2015 In today’s world, all relationships start online. The days of meeting someone at a café and getting married later that week are over. But how does one…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study: “Unhappiness Just Part of UChicago Experience,” UChi Secrets Most Successful Experiment Yet

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Angela Wang Feb. 24, 2013 Almost nine and a half years ago, a number of the greatest UChicago minds came together for the “first, and probably only, series of interdisciplinary applied research…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Wiggles Pull Music from Spotify in Show of Solidarity with Taylor Swift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Levin April 23, 2016 In a public announcement Monday, The Wiggles announced that they have decided to remove all of their music from Spotify to show solidarity with Taylor Swift and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uber Driver Crosses into Non-Delightful Racism

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 26, 2014 During a ride Thursday morning to Logan International Airport, Uber driver Travis Murphy moved without warning from lighthearted racial observations into what several sources confirms was “flat…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Have Never Seen a Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jake Frisch Nov. 11, 2012 It’s not like I don’t know what they are, I’m not an idiot. I’ve just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking Undertaking

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega              April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match.…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
  • “Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise
  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500

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