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The White on White Crimes You Need to Know
By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…
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Area Student Fantasizes About Mean Course Evaluation
By Morgan Pantuck May 30, 2016 According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her…
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Oh God, Oh No, A Train!
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 PARIS 1986 – A review of the Lumière brothers’ The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station Oh God oh Jesus oh no oh God everybody…
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Sex Advice by Ron
By Ron Feb. 4, 2013 Dear Ron Jon the Romantic, What is a Kegel? Does it hurt? Sin-cerely, Mystery Manwoman Dear MM, A kegel is when you squeeze your butt really hard and…
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First Year discovers “Life of the Mind” is no way of life, and only somewhat mind
By Claire Holland Aug. 17, 2017 When first year Abby Kincaid first stepped foot on campus, she knew it was home. “It was like, my whole life I had been too smart for…
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First-Year Encourages Voting
By Morgan Pantuck March 13, 2016 Just moments ago, first-year student and budding political activist Marissa Newbolt encouraged her Facebook friends, 99% of whom support the Democratic Party, to vote in the upcoming…
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UChicago Recalls Educations Distributed Over Three-Year Period
By Alex Dunlap Nov. 16, 2014 The University of Chicago, in cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, is issuing a voluntary recall of over 25,000 college- and graduate-level educations provided between…
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Romney claims he built his own teeth
By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 At a campaign stop in St. Paul, Minnesota, yesterday, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney launched into dental rhetoric in the middle of a speech on campaign finance. In…
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Discovered: Office Memos Between DOJ District Attorneys and Jeff Sessions
By Nico Aldape March 11, 2017 Memo from DOJ District Attorneys to AG Jeff Sessions: Why Don’t You Resign? Dear Attorney General: Let’s just get straight to the point. I don’t want to dilly-dally…
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Letter to the Editor
By John F. Kennedy, April 5, 1962 Jan. 18, 2016 To my dear, sweet beloved, Throughout my short presidency, I have been no stranger to clandestine affairs, from the espionage of the Cuban…
