By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…

By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…

By Cyrus Pacht Nov. 21, 2016 Wilhelm Schmendrick, who in the last local election had been appointed President of the Nose Party and had previously served two years as the Minister of Nasal…

By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 14, 2016 There’s nothing like the holiday season to remind you who your friends and family are and also to launch you into a deep, all-consuming depression. Luckily for…

By Marlin Figgins Oct. 19, 2016 1. Syphillis 2. A Bald Spot 3. Athlete’s Foot 4. Athlete’s Gooch 5. 4 Other Types of Fungus 6. A Surprisingly Dry Handjob 7. Very Slippery 8.…

By Jacob Johnson Oct. 12, 2016 I’ll be honest with you guys –. I didn’t mean to request a Pool. My finger slipped, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. But…

By Dean Nondorf Aug. 21, 2016 Dear incoming first-years, Welcome to the University of Chicago! We hope your journeys to Hyde Park were intellectually stimulating. You’ll need a clever anecdote to share with…

By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…

By Teddy Zamborsky May 13, 2016 1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog…