-
“There’s No Money for a Living Wage,” Announces Zimmer from $30 Million Dollar Francis and Rose Yuen Center in Hong Kong
By Chase Harrison Jan. 17, 2017 With his voice echoing through the 70 foot tall glass ceiling of the lobby of the Francis and Rose Yuen Center, UChicago President Robert Zimmer announced that…
-
Kellogg’s “Rasputin-O’s” Not Selling So Well in Russia
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 In an attempt to remain a global and healthy cereal brand, Kellogg’s introduced “Rasputin-O’s” in Russia. While expecting the cereal to be a nutritious and delicious hit…
-
University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…
-
Five Reasons Why Air Bud Deserved to win Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 7, 2016 4. Air Bud is a philanthropist: Sure Bob Dylan has worked with six major, international charities, but boy was Josh Framm a piece of work. I mean,…
-
What Do You Mean You Didn’t Like My Indian Chief Costume?
By Dean Ellison Oct. 13, 2016 Ok, you Millennials make NO sense. After the whole kerfuffle with the letter this summer, the College Advisors told me I had to improve my approval rating…
-
University Administration Announces Exciting Series of Publicity Stunts
By Nico Aldape Oct. 9, 2016 In a move that has caught students, professors, and society by complete surprise, the University of Chicago Administration has announced an exciting series of publicity stunts. “These…
-
We ‘Ship Shipping Interns With Shipping Internships
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Internships for shipping interns, shipped in turn: Chip “Whip” Kipp with Ship Shipping An internship that ships a ship? That ‘ship’s so hip for Chip “Whip” Kipp,…
-
People In Lounge Going to Pretend Kid Didn’t Just Fart
By Jacob Levin May 14, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, people of the Vincent House lounge silently and unanimously voted to say nothing about the massive fart unleashed by…
-
Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…
-
Inspiring: This Major League Baseball Player Uses Drugs That Make Him Play Worse
By Daniel Ruttenberg April 23, 2016 When I was a kid, I used to love baseball. Yessir, my ideal Friday was not ‘nt playing board games or running outside, it wasbut watching a…
