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Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm
By Patrick Sheehan Nov. 2, 2018 Citing the success of his last “micro-donation,” Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer,…
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Food And Drug Administration Issues Report Declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…
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3D Printer Births Tiny Plexiglass Baby
By Harini Radharikshnan and Nik Varley Nov. 2, 2015
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Birds Elect to Freeze Rather Than Migrate to Florida
By Terry Hines Dec. 24, 2013 This winter, America’s migratory birds have chosen to try their luck with the freezing temperatures of the North rather than face the state of Florida. The plethora…
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TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up
By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018 In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent…
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Introducing the New Culturally-Neutral Holiday Everyone’s Talking About: Fistmas
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year again! And that means it’s time to start thinking about gifts for the important people in your life.…
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Study Finds Wild West Themed Party Not Going to be Very Good
By Hannah Gitlin July 25, 2015 After a recent study conducted by Emma Jacobson and the rest of the O-Week crew that is somehow already cool, Friday night’s “Giddyup” party most likely won’t…
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First Year Finalizes List of RSOs she’s not going to join
By Matthew Goldenberg Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year student Patricia Lewis has announced that she has decided which Registered Student Organizations she wants to join and, more importantly, the ones she doesn’t want…
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Participation Trophy! Losing Oscar Nominees Will Receive a Complimentary Fish Penis Inspired by The Shape of Water!
By Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 19, 2018 Oscars 2018 Tonight, thousands of Americans will tune in to the Oscars and celebrate many of Hollywood’s most talented actors and filmmakers. And, even though only a…
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Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…
