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Cum-Stained David Lynch Posters Spotted Behind Doc Films
By Nik Varley Feb. 20, 2018 At approximately 11:30 p.m., The Shady Dealer received a tip claiming that there is an enormous pile of visibly-stained David Lynch posters outside the Doc Films office…
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Five Tips for Avoiding Existential Dread in College
By Nik Varley Aug. 10, 2016 Congratulations, your childhood is over! Your carefree days of youth and innocence are now gone forever, and you’ve taken your first step into the festering quagmire of…
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Two Brothers with a Dream, a Dog, and Their Grandmother’s Secret Recipe File for Bankruptcy
By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 The people: two simple college roommate brother twins. The ingredients: a cooler of berries, a labradoodle named Chuck, and a commitment to good natural flavors. The result:…
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Japanese Study Finds “Whales are delicious”
By DJ LoBraico March 4, 2013 A 900-year, longitudinal study conducted by the Institute of Cetacean Research in Japan has found that whale meat is “really tasty” and “worth decimating the entire remaining…
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Six Animals the Div School Wouldn’t Allow Me to Give DMT
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer…
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White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…
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French Politician “Relieved” Islamophobic Laws Were Worded Inoffensively
By Si Squires-Kasten Jan. 14, 2015 Following the January 7th attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, Minister of the Interior Bernard Cazeneuve expressed “profound gratitude” that his country…
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State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…
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Five Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your Crying
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 5 Tips to Maximize The Efficiency of Your CryingBy Morgan Pantuck 1. Cry during meals. CWE, or “crying while eating,” is the hip new craze that all…
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Frat Charges Guys $5 at Door to Correct for Income Inequality
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Like most fraternities on campus, PsiU’s Friday night party “90’s” themed party forced guys to pay $5 at the door, while girls got in for free. Howeverver,…
