Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
In a stunning move, the University of Chicago announced that it will be canceling Pope Leo XIV’s Religious Studies course titled “Catholic Social Justice: Using Faith to Help People.” The decision follows a $100 million federal cut.
In a public statement, the University claimed that “limited enrollment” and “bad ratings” were reasons behind their decision.
“While we respect the work of the Pope, he had terrible ratings and only five people enrolled. We reserve the right to prevent him from spreading his terribly-rated messages across our campus. We appreciate your attention to this matter.”
The Dealer contacted Pope Leo, who began answering in Latin, before saying “Oh shit! I’m American.” In response to his class not being offered due to funding constraints, Leo told the Dealer that he had “offered to teach the course for free.”
“To spread the word of God is priceless, and in these trying times, it would be an honor to enlighten bright young minds in how they can use their faith for good. We are all children of God and would do well to lift one another up.”
In other news, the University has agreed to a contract with the Trump Administration preventing future cuts insofar as its instruction remains fixated on “core American values.” The Pope dispelled rumors that his course was removed due to this agreement: “How could my aims be antithetical to those values? This country was founded on principles of freedom, liberty, respect, and prosperity.”
Last week, following remarks the Pope made about protecting migrants, President Trump called the Pope “a COMMUNIST loser who was VERY wrong about immigrants.” He continued on TruthSocial: “If only he had to take in people with nothing who were ROBBING our great Country.”
The Dealer, sensing a potential connection, hired detective Sherlock Holmes to investigate. When presented with the facts, Holmes replied, “Do you want your money back? Of course they’re fucking related.”
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
