Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
In the heat of the rainy season, Reg-headed students and Hyde Park vehicle owners will have it especially rough. The stone walkway that connects the Quad to the Regenstein Library has collapsed under the weight of accumulated water due to poor drainage. This development will come as a shock to the Engineering Department (or would if we had one, anyway) because the walkway was not a bridge or an overpass, but a solid piece of road.
To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers. They agreed that hypothetically, asphalt, concrete, and stone placed on solid ground may crack but not cave in. Ultra-compressed mud found beneath the remains of the road was analyzed for signs of matter destruction, but no answers were found by this noble yet trivial pursuit.
According to an email sent out by the University administration this afternoon, a plan to fix the implosion is in action. Unfortunately, full restoration of the walkway’s functionality seems to be over a year away. The first step—asking alumni for donations—was described as a delicate process that could take longer than expected. In addition, constructing a wire fence around the hole as a form of “temporary beautification” was given high priority. Students are advised to “go around and use the sidewalk” while motorists are advised to “go fuck themselves.”
Justin Bilenker
Copy Editor 2023-2025
Emperor 2025-2026
