5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
May 5th, 1756
VERSAILLES—Life in the royal court isn’t easy, especially in this day and age. With more and more courtesans vying to be the top mistress for His Royal Highness himself, it’s getting harder and harder to get face-to-face time with the King. Here are a few quick tips to help you stand out from the pack.
- Powder your nose: There’s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose. In fact, why not powder your whole face and body while you’re at it? You can make it look like Versailles was just hit by a snowstorm.
- Get close with the King’s mom: Everyone knows that the key to a man’s heart is through his mother. Drop some hints about your impeccable manners to make it clear you’d be a great unofficial royal daughter-in-law.
- Get close with the King’s sister: due to inbreeding, this is the same person as the king’s mom, so it should be pretty easy to do both. Three cheers for efficiency!
- Wear a really tight corset: The King loves a lady with a small waist who also can’t breathe. Judith Butler? I hardly know her.
- Have a good catchphrase: Let’s be honest, you’re never going to come up with a catchphrase as pithy as “let them eat cake,” but you can always come up with something else. How about “Let Them Eat Lobster”? That hasn’t been done before.
