New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

September 8, 1833

RICHMOND—Gentlemen, I have heard tell of this newfangled political party, the “Whigs.” I do not care for it! The sound is entirely too breathy, and the affection is not sufficiently stately enough for a grand party of these four-and-twenty states of America! Consider the Democratic-Republicans, or the Democrats! Each heralding our yet still young form of government. Are we not a proud country? The “Whigs” may have a new, dare I say, unearned confidence, but I do not think them to be proud! Truly, has our nation fallen this far? Will any gentleman even consider them? Ah yes, they may say, let me cast my venerated ballot for the WHIG! No, reader, I think not! 

What are their policies? I haven’t the faintest idea. I shall not vote for anyone calling themselves WHIG!