SSRIs Cure Great Depression

November 28, 1932

NEW YORK—Amidst plummeting stocks and record unemployment, economists have proposed a new solution to America’s financial depression: Zoloft. In a recent report by the Council for International Economists, experts have outlined a plan to stimulate consumer spending through the careful usage of SSRIs.

“The problem is that everyone is sad,” said the council’s chairman, John Maynard Keynes. “If everyone were happy, people would buy stuff and the economy would be good. But everyone is sad so people don’t buy stuff and the economy is bad.”

After thinking for a moment, Keynes added somewhat off-handedly, “I think that’s called animal spirits or something.”

Under the newly proposed policy, each man, woman, and child in America will be issued a handle of gin and prescription for Prozac. Consumers are encouraged to patronize newly constructed “Happiness Centers,” erected in the basements of disused banks. 

“This is way better than that dumb flapper stuff we were doing a few years ago,” said local woman Cynthia Oznick. “Turns out I don’t even like that jazz that much. I just needed some Lexapro.”