Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
GOLGOTHA — A groundbreaking study published in The Lancet suggests that Jesus’ crucifixion at the hands of the Romans was likely very painful.
The study, undertaken by a group of doctors and archaeologists who think Jesus is really interesting, represents a major development in the longstanding, heated debate over just how unpleasant the Christian messiah’s execution really was. “For years, scholars have insisted that getting crucified wasn’t really that bad, and that Christ was just making a big deal out of nothing,” said Dr. Geraldine Willoughby of Johns Hopkins University, speaking at a press conference unveiling the findings atop Golgotha, the hill where Jesus was crucified. “According to this study, however, it actually hurt a lot. Like, a lot a lot.”
According to Zachary Flangle, a medical researcher at King’s College London specializing in nail-related injuries, the study is a major step in understanding what being crucified is really like. “We’ve analyzed all the available evidence,” he explained at the press conference. “We’ve sifted through available archaeological records and contemporary accounts of other crucifixions, and even crucified a couple of people in the lab as a point of comparison. We can definitively say that getting crucified would have been terribly disagreeable to Jesus.”
Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet. Being made to hang indefinitely from these skewered appendages also appears to be a decisive factor, as it applies pressure to the chest that makes it hard to breathe, Flangle added. “All in all, just a really rough sort of a thing.”
Asked to comment on the group’s findings, a spokesperson for the Vatican said the study’s conclusion is in line with Catholic doctrine but also stressed that crucifixion didn’t hurt Jesus as much as the anguish he feels every time someone masturbates. Clark Studley, the international President of Protestantism, told The Dealer, “Well golly oh gosh almighty! That must have been a heck of a doozy for our Lord and Savior. Yessiree Bob. My oh me oh my.”
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
