JD Vance Chased By Pitchfork-Wielding Mob for Three Weeks Before White House Comments

NATIONAL MALL — The White House has finally answered the question everyone has been asking: Where is JD Vance? As it turns out, for the last three weeks Vice President Vance has been running from a bona fide mob. The Dealer was witness to the tail end of the chase, which came to a stop when Vance finally managed to contact  the White House, who had previously placed his call on hold.

“Honestly, the running was pretty impressive!” said one spectator. “The mob took a few breaks, but he just kept on running!” 

The Dealer approached Vance, who was sprawled out on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with a Gatorade, for a statement. 

“Why did they take so long to pick up the phone?” he asked, still panting. “Where did they get so many pitchforks on short notice?”

The Secret Service is reportedly baffled that they didn’t catch this whole thing sooner. Though several sources reported two people resembling Joe Biden and Kamala Harris planting pitchforks around the National Mall did not make it into daily security briefings. 

“We were going to do the traditional torch-and-pitchfork mob combo, but like, that’s a lot of wood, and we wanted to prioritize sustainability,” explained mob member Nancy Pelosi (no relation). Between sips of matcha, she told the Dealer, “We are very sensitive to our carbon footprint. Look us up! We’re called A Mob for Change.” 

The White House made an official statement on the incident after the conclusion of the grand chase. “Who? Oh yeah, him. He’s fine now, recovering with his family. We’re keeping him in our thoughts and prayers.”