Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.

Gothic-style haters rejoice! The University of Chicago has officially publicized its plans to turn Rockefeller Chapel into a monument of modern architecture. 

Ted Mosby, the building’s new architect, has stated,. “Every wall is gonna be a window! They’ll be mirrored on the outside and the inside. It’s a metaphor.” Rumors suggested the project had been delayed due to protests from every gargoyle on campus, but the Dealer found it was for another reason entirely. 

University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed handkerchief, saying, “They…they just put it up so fast.” The scaffolding has been allowed to remain due to concerns that it has something to do with Scav, or maybe free speech. 

Mosby appeared unhappy that his plans had been forestalled. “It was going to have this coffee shop with a view of a brand-new helipad!” The helipad, of course, is included in the plans to supplement the University’s new Via program: Lyftcopter.

Reporters climbed the scaffolding to speak with construction workers about the issue. Construction manager Robert Th’Builder stated: “We were told to just kind of… make construction noises.” The logo on the scaffolding indicates that it belongs to the Querulous Unique Animal Care Klub (QUACK). The Dealer was told this organization has no affiliation with the ducks of the Botany Pond, despite popular belief. 

The scaffolding has become a concern for other buildings across campus. Ida Noyes, fearing it would be next, has recruited fraternity pledges to stand watch for the rogue scaffolders. Officials in charge of the Regenstein Library believe themselves safe from any new construction, stating, “This building could not possibly be improved upon. Why would we need scaffolding?” 

As for Rockefeller Chapel, Alivisatos confidently stated that the construction will continue on schedule, due to be finished right after your graduation. “The situation is under control. But, it’s really not funny anymore guys.”