RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: “It’s Really Not That Bad!”
WASHINGTON – Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced this morning that he will be touring the country to persuade the nation that polio, the debilitating disease that famously affected Franklin D. Roosevelt and placed thousands of people in iron lungs, is actually less worrisome than previously thought.
“It’s all about branding,” Kennedy said when asked how he conceptualized this tour. “Polio’s gotten such a bad rap in the past, and that’s really hindered its ability to appeal to the average consumer. I’ve carefully crafted this tour to emphasize all the fun and cool things polio has to offer.”
When asked to elaborate, Kennedy mumbled something about needing to consult with his brain worm. “[The tour is] its brainchild, you see. I do as the worm commands.”
The tour will reportedly feature musical numbers with full choreography, although a leaked video of a rehearsal has not inspired confidence in Kennedy’s sick moves. He has also started taking ventriloquy lessons in order to perform a comedy sketch featuring an Iron Lung puppet, which will be available as part of the official tour merch.
“I strongly believe in giving second chances,” the failed animal control officer declared, “just like I gave that bear carcass a second chance to be a Central Park decoration. Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”
When asked whether this tour could convince them that withdrawing approval for the polio vaccine is actually a smart decision, nine out of ten doctors said, “What the fuck kind of question is that? I don’t care how they market it, polio is a horrific disease and the vaccine has saved millions of lives.”
The tenth doctor, Ronny Jackson, ranted about how President Trump was much smarter than poliovirus and how the vaccine was a Russian hoax until our reporter was forced to end the interview.
The “Polio: A New Breath” tour will be coming to a city near you starting this March. Presale tickets will be available through Ticketmaster on February 15th, so mark your calendars and get ready to be paralyzed with excitement!
Lydia Osborn
As a kid, I wanted to be a professional complainer when I grew up. At the wise old age of 19, cynical and disabused of all dreams, I figured joining a satire magazine was the closest I’d ever come. So I tried to join The Onion, but that didn’t work, so here I am. My interests include good writing, bad writing, and sushi.
