Researchers Predict New Dorm Check-in Policy Will Decimate On-Campus Hookups
Amidst changes to residence hall visitor policies, students are concerned about the unintended consequences of the new guest registration procedure. Researchers at the Center for Behavioral Psychology forecast the new obstacle to dorm visitation may cause an up to fifty percent reduction in sexual activity on campus.
“It’s hard to know what exactly could happen,” said Dr. Ivanna Hafsecs, a sociologist at the University. “However, as sexual activity amongst the student body plummets, we should prepare to see a rise in petty theft, vandalism and arson.”
The Dealer receives Dr. Hafsecs’ warnings with grave concern. A near-sexless college campus is nigh-unprecedented in American history—with the exception of Brigham Young University, the Mecca of post-marital sex. Is the U of C destined to follow in the footsteps of BYU? Will casual sex turn into courtship? Will low-commitment, long-distance situationships become husbands? This author shudders at the thought.
Interim Dean of Students Mike Hayes provided a more hopeful perspective and urged us to take Dr. Hafsec’s report with a grain of salt.
“What Dr Hafsecs fails to take into account is that 50% of 0 is still 0. It is unlikely campus culture will change drastically.”
Aren’t hookups about latitude and impulse? Aren’t privacy and prerogative the pinnacles of stringless sex? There’s something distinctly cruel and unusual about watching your date consider how many hours they are willing to entertain you for. Anonymity becomes impossible when all your ex-lovers can access your government name, phone number and date of birth on their housing portal–that’s enough information to fill out a marriage registry. How can the University of Chicago pride itself on freedom of expression, but deprive its students of free indiscretion?
It seems only time can reveal the full impact the new policy will have. All this author knows is that only three weeks into term, Dr Hafsecs’s gloomy forecast proves eerily true. How many more phantom fire alarms in South Residential Commons before the University Administration hears our cry for help?
