Balloon Triggers South Fire Alarm; Officials Raise Concerns About Chinese Involvement
In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm. The Chicago Fire Department swiftly arrived on the scene and determined that it was triggered by a stray balloon in DelGiorno House.
The Dealer has learned exclusively through an anonymous source that all University of Chicago fire detection systems are trained to recognize any balloons as surveillance contraptions capable of recording sensitive information regarding campus life.
President Biden shared his assessment of the situation with reporters: “Well, folks—you see, Paul Alivisatos and Xi Jinping—you know, national security is really important. And listen, folks, you gotta understand. Trump and his MAGA republicans don’t want our students to learn. Seriously. You gotta get out and vote. Vote against… vote for the spy balloons! A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for Paul Alivisatos, folks! We gotta finish the job I started. Hear me out. Hear me out. That’s why I’m gonna be the balloon’s running mate in 2028.”
The Dealer has also obtained a statement from the balloon: “I continue to believe that both Donald Trump and Kamala Harris are harmful to the United States’ national security, and for that reason, I endorse Xi Jinping for president in 2024.”
UPDATE: The Renee fire alarm was triggered again at approximately 7 a.m. on Tuesday, October 15th. While the University has not confirmed the alarm’s cause, theories include:
- A dainty speck of dust
- Someone failing at blowing their bong smoke out the window
- Biden getting lost in Cathey house somehow
- A cow kicking over a lantern (once wasn’t enough for Chicago)
- Another spy balloon, I guess
