Glow Party Ruined by Ring of People Exchanging SAT Scores

THE QUAD – The O-Week Glow Party was reportedly disrupted this year by a group of people who sat in the middle of the dance floor loudly discussing what they got on the SAT. 

While the Glow Party has traditionally been an opportunity for new students to socialize and make friends amid the resurrected spirit of the ‘70s, this year’s event was marked by “relentless test-score based braggadocio.”

“I was trying to boogie down at the silent disco when I tripped over a girl who asked me what I got on the writing portion of the ACT,” said first-year Jenny Friedman, “She didn’t even wait for me to answer. She just told me that she had gotten a perfect score.”

Many within the UChicago community were dismayed by the atmosphere of egotism and competition at the Glow Party. “This school used to be full of cool cats who just wanted to have a good time. Now it’s just a bunch of drips who want to talk about AP classes,” said former Dean of the College John Boyer. “I mean, gimme a friggin’ break!” 

Boyer was allegedly seen at the Glow Party attempting to liven things up by spiking the punch.