Woodlawn to Require Students to Name 3 Brothers at the Front Desk

WOODLAWN RESIDENTIAL COMMONS— UChicago Housing has announced that in order to enter Woodlawn Residential Commons and “chill” with your friends under the common room stairs, students will now be required to name three brothers.

Staff planned to implement this requirement following Winter Break, when the students will be most unsuspecting, but we remember how that went with the duck pond. The Dealer asked the head of student housing, Lawrence Woodlawn, to provide us with a full statement on this upcoming new reform to the sign-in process:

“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after for being the coolest, most rad dorm on campus, so we decided to increase security measures to make sure visitors are worthy of being here and not just some average UChicago student” said Woodlawn. “We asked for the advice of some of the most esteemed groups on campus and decided that our admissions process should include asking students to name three brothers, which is a proven way to determine whether or not a student is worthy.”

This requirement was already tested to document student reactions. We interviewed SoCal native and first year Emily Smiley on her experience.

“My friend was just trying to sign me in, but this lady was yelling at us!” Smiley told the Dealer.. “At first,” Smiley continued, “she said I’d have to name three brothers and I was like what do you mean brothers? Siblings? I’m an only child! Can you just let me in? And she was like ‘no, you have to name three brothers to enter’, so I looked to Tommy for help ‘cause I had no idea what the fuck was happening but he just said ‘you can’t enter Woodlawn if you can’t even name three brothers.’”

Smiley continued about how she stormed out afterward and had to use her last Lyft pass for the month to get back to her lackluster dorm, Campus North. When we questioned the Housing department for their view on this altercation, they remarked, “It was just what we hoped for. We will try to implement this requirement campus-wide as soon as possible.”