UChicago Launches Skincare MLM to Make Up $239 Million Budget Deficit

Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more, UChicago has the solution for you. 

UChi-ceuticals is the new proprietary skincare company focused on fixing skin problems caused by studying in dark, musty basements for twenty hours a day. Just sign up to be one of their valued retailers, and get your friends to sign up too (at least until they all block you). You’ll be your own boss! Imagine having the freedom to decide which of the ‘close friends’ you haven’t spoken to since freshman year of high school you will beg to buy all the aloe vera products you’re slowly drowning under! 

Importantly, the administration has stressed that this is “absolutely not a pyramid scheme”, adding that it’s “really more of a trapezoid if you draw it.” When asked what they hope for with this venture, their representative said, “We really just want to make our students’ lives better. And since there is money involved, if I had to pick a random number, maybe something around… $239 million?”