Op-Ed: I Am the Emperor, and I Want Dumplings

You peasants have no respect these days. Where did all this ungrateful whining come from while I’ve been ruling magnanimously from above? My spies in your village told my underlings, who told my secretary, who told me that some of you little big-headed babies have started grouching. You all say I don’t do anything, I apparently just sit around and eat dumplings all day, while you all allegedly starve. 

Well, I’ve got news for you! Some people are born to eat dumplings fed to them by quaking peasants from a silver platter, and other people are all of you. If you wanted dumplings, you should have just not been peasants. That’s on you. How do you like that, huh? You can’t tell me what to do! I am the Emperor, dang it, and when I want to eat dumplings, I get to eat all the dumplings I want, and there’s nothing you miserable worms can do about it. What are you going to do, revolt?

…Well, shit.