Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.   Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered…

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet.  Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a…