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Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus
6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri Sun? House spirit? No, the students are there for one reason and one reason alone. That elusive Kuvia T-Shirt. Only those who brave the cold and the drowsiness for five days straight capture the illustrious garment. But why go through all that trouble. Here are eight easy ways you can get a free t-shirt at the University of Chicago. Drink toilet water from KPTC The Kersten Physics Teaching Center supposedly has the worse plumbing on campus, but…
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“First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”
Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not spark joy.” The KonMari method is trifold, beginning with the decluttering of clothing and moving on to books, papers, and komono (miscellaneous). The goal is to sort through each item, determine if the item gives you a heart-fluttering feeling of happiness, and remove items that do not prompt this sentiment. Max Palevsky resident Shannon Yates binged the Netflix series over winter break and has since adopted the Shinto-inspired tidying philosophy in her campus life. In her pursuit…
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Oops! My SOSC Essay Accidentally Started 100 Years of Religious Conflict
WITTENBURG 1540 – I knew I made a mistake by taking Classics for SOSC. Everyone always told me “Martin, just take Mind, it’s by far the easiest and you can seem cool by psycho-analyzing your friends after taking three classes.” But did I listen? No. And like a dumbass, I decided “huh, I can do a total take-down of Aquinas, why not?” And so the day before the essay was due, I just came back from Pub Night with my bros Friedrich and Johann when I realized I had to finish that shit in a night. So I pulled up my manuscripts, pulled out Bible-pedia and my quills and got…
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Prohibition is the Moral Cause of Our Time
By Concerned Citizen Alphonse Capone Hello, my name is Alphonse Capone, a humble Chicago resident and humble laundromat owner, definitely not up to any illicit activities. I merely write as a concerned capo – I mean, citizen. In my business, I have always gone by the words, “you can get more of what you want with a kind word and fun then you can with just a kind word.” Why does one need alcohol to have fun? The only high I need is when the L leans into a turn where the tracks have no railings, making me wonder if the train will fall off for a few seconds. I…
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Why Did They Do That Which They Did? Interviews with History’s Notorious Change Makers
We all know that a few seminal figures changed the course of history forever with their bold ideas and actions. Legendary people like: Jesus. Pasteur. Hitler. But, no one really knows why they did what they did. What was their motivation? What was the thought process behind their ideas? Well, fortunately, yours truly was recently able to make his way into the inner circles of the Illuminati (thanks, Prof Richard Thanos!) and use their time machine to interview some of history’s most notorious change makers. So, without further ado, I present to you, for the first time in the history of humankind, an inside look into the brains of Buddha,…
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