WITTENBURG 1540 – I knew I made a mistake by taking Classics for SOSC. Everyone always told me “Martin, just take Mind, it’s by far the easiest and you can seem cool by psycho-analyzing your friends after taking three classes.” But did I listen? No. And like a dumbass, I decided “huh, I can do a total take-down of Aquinas, why not?” And so the day before the essay was due, I just came back from Pub Night with my bros Friedrich and Johann when I realized I had to finish that shit in a night. So I pulled up my manuscripts, pulled out Bible-pedia and my quills and got…

By Concerned  Citizen Alphonse Capone Hello, my name is Alphonse Capone, a humble Chicago resident and humble laundromat owner, definitely not up to any illicit activities. I merely write as a concerned capo – I mean, citizen. In my business, I have always gone by the words, “you can get more of what you want with a kind word and fun then you can with just a kind word.” Why does one need alcohol to have fun? The only high I need is when the L leans into a turn where the tracks have no railings, making me wonder if the train will fall off for a few seconds. I…

We all know that a few seminal figures changed the course of history forever with their bold ideas and actions. Legendary people like: Jesus. Pasteur. Hitler. But, no one really knows why they did what they did. What was their motivation? What was the thought process behind their ideas? Well, fortunately, yours truly was recently able to make his way into the inner circles of the Illuminati (thanks, Prof Richard Thanos!) and use their time machine to interview some of history’s most notorious change makers. So, without further ado, I present to you, for the first time in the history of humankind, an inside look into the brains of Buddha,…