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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Seeks Budget Approval For Meddling Kids and Dumb Dog

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Natalie Friedberg March 1, 2015 Last Tuesday, Marlon C. Lynch, UCPD Chief and Associate Vice President for Safety, Security and Civic Affairs, submitted a request for a $1,000,000 budget increase in order…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    20 Ways to Please Your Man

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 23, 2015 20 Ways to Please Your Man These twenty tips are sure to spice things up in the bedroom, shower, or empty train car! 1. Touch it Touching…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Realistic Barbie to Have Anxiety, Depression

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 Parents and children alike are buzzing with excitement over Mattel, Inc.’s recent announcement that the company will release a new, realistic Barbie doll this summer, “Sad-Feelings Sandra.”…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Ate Mascara For Six Days and It Made Me Very Sick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My One-Year-Old Stopped Thinking I Was Sexy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Elizabeth Sawyer April 23, 2015 It’s every new mom’s worst nightmare. You think your relationship with your one-year old child is perfect. You stay up all night taking care of them, nursing…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Critics Call Yoga in Schools “Discriminatory” Against Kids Who Do That Fast Leg-Shaking Thing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres April 23, 2015 The school board of California’s Fresno Unified School District announced last week a plan to include yoga in its physical education curriculum for the 2015-16 school year,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    None of Us Have Ever Had Sex

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Editorial Bored April 23, 2015 Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Sex Tips So Good, You’ll Forget You’ve Never Had a Vaginal Orgasm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner April 25, 2015 1. If your man’s not getting the job done, take matters into your own hands. While he’s on top of you, grunting his way towards climax, take…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Does the Color of the Dress Matter in Post-Racial America?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch April 25, 2015 Every Friday night is ladies’ night, and last night I happened to give my bestie a call before we went out. I told her I was having…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My Palm Reader Was a Murderer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Laniel Dastres April 26, 2015 It isn’t everyday that you can pay a small fee to have a stranger inform your life and career decisions with visions of the future. That’s why…

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  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
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  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
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  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!

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