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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University of Chicago Announces Todd Awareness Day

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Noah Lemelson April 20, 2014 Caving to popular demand,, The University of Chicago announced yesterday that it will host a Todd Awareness Day on June 13th. Many suspect the University’s decision may…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Nation‘s Leaders Come Together to Balance the Budget on Todd’s Back

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Timi Koyejo April 20, 2014 Following months of deliberation, Congressional leaders and President Obama have announced in a joint bipartisan news conference their plan to eliminate the budget deficit entirely through funds…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Health Warns of New, Highly Addictive “Positive” Attitude

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 The University’s Student Health and Counseling Service has issued a warning to students and administrators about a harmful and highly addictive attitude reported to be on the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Circle Jerk More of an Oval

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 Over the past week, The Dealer has received numerous phone calls, anonymous tips, and letters regarding this weekend’s horrific event on the North Side. The Circle Jerk…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    25 Years Since 1990

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 1. 1991 2. 1992 3. 1993 4. 1994 5. 1995 6. 1996 7. 1997 8. 1998 9. 1999 10. 2000 11. 2001 12. 2002 14. 2003 15.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    7 Jokes Only Craig Will Understand

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zach Augustine April 20, 2014 1. When Craig threw that Frisbee into oncoming traffic on the Midway. Hilarious! 2. Who could forget the infamous guacamole incident last winter at Jimmy’s? Craig seemed…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Photoshopped Galaxy Sets Unrealistic Standards for Young Interstellar Matter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 A young dust cloud at the grocery store with her mother sees a row of gossip magazines lining the checkout counter. She picks up a cover of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I’m So Pumped for Scab Hunt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 When I applied to college, I toured a lot of impressive campuses. But UChicago was different. More exciting, somehow. Initially, I loved the intellectual atmosphere and “quirky”…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pope Courting Young Voters in Election Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King April 20, 2014 Pope Francis made a series of campaign appearances yesterday throughout the Vatican, strongly reaffirming his commitment to seeking the youth vote in the impending Papal election, where…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Christie’s Take from Internship Auction Tops Expectations

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Anna Newport April 20, 2014 Anxious parents flooded Christie’s on Thursday as the auction house staged its first internship bidding war. With record high numbers of applicants for Christie’s 2013 unpaid internship…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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