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Everyone Deserves to Attend This School Except Todd
By Robert Zimmer Nov. 9, 2013 Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I…
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30% of UChicago Crushes Written While Masturbating
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2013 Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating. UChicago…
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Phil Per Class Discussion Reaches Climax
By Zach Augustine Nov. 9, 2013 A quickie recap of last week’s Hum class group project developed into a heated and extended session last Tuesday. Eyewitness reports indicate that Atticus Bloom and Richard…
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Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 “Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind…
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Second Year Wins IOP by Caressing David Alexrod’s Calf
By Alex Foster Nov. 9, 2013 Vyom Khan, a second-year in the College, was declared winner of the Institute of Politics on Tuesday when he successfully caressed David Axelrod’scalf during that afternoon’s Fellows…
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Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…
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8 of 9 Students in Your Problem Session Just Want To Be Held
By James Newton Nov. 9, 2013 At the conclusion of a four-year study, College statistics major Maya D’Angelo has revealed that the vast majority of students in math and science courses who attend…
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Student First in Family to Attend Club
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 These days, getting in to the club can be one of the most difficult achievements in a young person’s life, and has been shown to have a…
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Tech Startup Donates Beards
By Becky Stoner Nov. 9, 2013 “It’s like you took Locks of Love and No Shave November, mashed them together in a blender on ICE setting, and came up with the charity Alopecians…
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95% of First Years Who Took Up Exercise Are Done With It
By Mary Vansuch Nov. 9, 2013 “My exercise goal was to be able to run a ten-minute mile and lift twenty pounds. I actually ran 9:50 and lifted thirty yesterday, so I’m more…
