University Boasts Commendatory Environment for Child Laborers in Mansueto

By Ryan Keem

Oct. 18, 2013

The Illinois Department of Labor has rated the University of Chicago’s Joe and Rika Mansueto Library a 9.1 on its Busy Little Fingers scale of youth-driven industrial performance, deeming the establishment “highly credible” as an institution for primary sweatshop training. Erected just over two years ago, the Library is now ranked among the top child-labor institutions worldwide, including the Ho Chi Minh School of Toil and Exertion and the Joseph Stalin Institute for Agricultural Advancement.

The Rigorous Occupational Betterment for Orphans and Transients program, or Mansueto R.O.B.O.T., will give participants an edge over other young laborers for coveted positions in the manual labor sector. Each 23 hour workday at Mansueto consists of fetching, binding, and printing books, as well as paid hour-long nap and snack breaks at 11 am and 4 pm respectively. Through workshop training in the off-hour, laborers learn to hydrate with their own tears, ignite scrap paper for warmth, and sew.

Eligible applicants are 6-11 years of age and come from all corners of the world. As candidates are often too young to read promotional materials, Mansueto recruiters are of great importance to the institute. “We consider the applicant as a whole,” says recruiter Stephen McGilivary. “If an child’s fingers aren’t too nimble, we’ll be sure to check the toes before making a final decision.” The Library is particularly proud of the fact that it has opened sweatshop training to traditionally underrepresented segments of the population. The rousing success of its “suburban abduction” program has, in fact, led it to boast the greatest percentage of participants from upper-middle- and upper-class America.