Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

By Zachary Spitz

July 3, 2018

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus.

By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average.

Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. The Constitution does not mandate any qualifications for Supreme Court justices, but previous presidents have traditionally nominated adult humans.

At a press conference at the White House, a screen displayed the fetal ultrasound from the young blonde woman carrying the nominee. “Look at that!” Mr. Trump boasted. “A lot of people are saying it’s the best nominee since Neil Gorsuch, maybe ever. And the mom’s still a ten — soon she’ll get disgusting, but at least her boobs will be bigger.”

“This is what you wanted, right?” Mr. Trump asked the largely evangelical attendees. “Young, white, anti-abortion — what could be more anti-abortion than a fetus? I was just talking to Mike Pence — you people really care about this stuff, huh?”

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, praised the “definitely heterosexual and hopefully male” nominee to replace Justice Kennedy. “And Christian,” he added. “The nominee is a Christian.”

Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “Sure, why not? We have enough votes for anything President Trump wants to do.”

Alarmed that the fetus could join a solid majority to overturn Roe v. Wade, liberal activists launched a pressure campaign targeting the handful of moderate Democrats and pro-choice Republicans who could cast the deciding votes in the Senate.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who previously declared that she would not vote for a nominee hostile to Roe, gave no indication of whether she would support the fetus. “We should always stake out an awkward middle ground with respect to fundamental rights that affect everyone’s lives,” she said. Collins said she is  “looking forward to discussing our respect for established decisions, established law” with the nominee, which is three inches long and inside a woman’s uterus.

“I’ll probably fall in line pretty easily on this one,” she added.

At press time, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was doing sit-ups.