Trump Defends New Mustache

By Morgan Pantuck

March 1, 2016

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked reporters earlier this week by appearing in public with his facial hair trimmed into a toothbrush style, shaved sharply at the edges except for several centimeters above the center of his lip. This style became unfashionable after World War II due to its association with Adolf Hitler, the leader of the German Nazi Party and central political figure during World War II and the Holocaust.

“Look, Hitler was Hitler,” Trump stated during an interview with CNN. “It’s a very good mustache, it’s a very interesting mustache, and I have it now.”

Analysts explain that Trump’s new bristles represent the latest example of outrageous behavior that would have damaged the reputation of any other candidate, but seems to leave no effect on Trump’s frontrunner status.

When CNN correspondents asked Trump if he wanted to be so strongly associated with extreme totalitarianism, Trump replied, “No, I want to be associated with mustaches.” His avid fans could be heard cheering in the background.

This is not the only controversy to surround the Trump campaign over the last few days. Just last Tuesday, Satan, the infamous leader of Hell and its eternal scorching flames, voiced strong support for Trump’s candidacy. When questioned about the Devil’s commentary, Trump seemed hesitant to disavow his endorsement.

“I don’t know anything about Satan, okay?” Trump said, while raising his right arm in the air with a straightened hand and stiffly marching back and forth. “I don’t know anything about sin or infernos or suffering. So, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know. Did he endorse me? Or what’s going on because, you know, I know nothing about the Ruler of Demons.”