Real Man Speaks: Telling My Girlfriend To Calm Down Works Literally Every Time

By Lucas Chen

April 27, 2015

Women can be very emotional. I recently read a New York Times article that claimed that women’s emotions are an asset, not a liability. But when it’s 2 A.M. and my girlfriend is lying on the floor sobbing and wearing sweatpants, that can be hard to believe.

Fortunately, I’ve found the perfect way of dealing with PMS, cramps, headaches, depression, anxiety, insomnia, work stress, and feminism. I just tell my girlfriend to calm down, and she calms right down!

She starts taking these slow deep breaths and moving her hands up and down rhythmically. She sometimes lets out one last small scream. Then, she usually says to me, “You are so right. Instead of being upset, I should just calm down.”

With my girlfriend, there are good days, and there are bad days. To me, it’s totally unpredictable! Who can tell what’ll set her off—the death of a pet, a flunked test, or just me, platonically complimenting her best friend on the moles on her breasts. But now I have a defense strategy against whatever torrents of tears happen to come my way, totally without warning or cause.

Just tell her to calm down! Trust me, it works literally every time.