North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit

By Morgan Pantuck

May 13, 2016

The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the University to support undergraduate education. The residence hall formally known as Campus North will be christened Dickwad Fuckwit Commons in honor of his generosity.

“We are, uhh, very pleased to be able to recognize Mr. Fuckwit by naming this important facility after him,” said President Robert J. Zimmer, sweating and loosening his tie. “We kept saying, oh no no, you shouldn’t have, but Dickwad’s altruistic determination knows no bounds.”

Dean of the College John W. Boyer offered similar sentiments. “Residential life is a place where the intellectual friendships that begin in the classroom can expand and grow,” remarked Boyer, as he struggled to hold back tears. “This… wonderful gift… will impact our community, and our admissions statistics, for years to come.”

For his part, Fuckwit has been acting what one might call “deviously pleased” with the announcement. “Finally, that name change was worth it,” he remarked to a Dealer representative while gleefully rubbing his hands together. “I’ve been trying to get back at this damn school for making me re-take Core Bio for years.”

“If they don’t call the kids who live in my dorm ‘Fuckwitizens’ I’m going to throw an absolute fit,” he added.