Lesser known UChicago alumni
By Nora Helfand
Jan. 7, 2013
You all know David Axelrod, Nate Silver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Vixen; Edwin Hubble, John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert and Blitzen. But do you recall the most obscure College alumni of them all? Enjoy this brief list we’ve compiled.
Joseph McKellan, A.B. 1895: Inventor of the Non-Paper Shirt Tag
Most of us take those shimmering fabric loops with symbolic washing instructions and sizing in many languages for granted. But according to current American History professor Janet Seals, our ancestors, while skilled at building railroads and drilling for oil, were much too far up their own asses to figure out how to make decent tags for their shirts. “They would make them from paper and then scratch their heads when the tags disappeared after one washing,” Seals said. But Joseph McKellans rigorous education at the U of C prepared him to tackle the challenge. Using his expertise in theoretical physics and ancient Greek philosophy, McKellan eventually crafted the first non-paper tag: U.S. Patent No. 4.
Peggy Zywicki, A.B. 1987: Playwright: Feces-town
Ms. Zywicki volunteered to speak with us about this curious coincidence. “I had it all envisioned –an eye-opening musical that takes a controversial angle on populism and revolution,” Zywicki mused. ”But with poop.” Upon hearing from every theatre company she contacted that her concept had “already been done,” she shut down emotionally for many years. She did not even seem to know that the offending playwright was Greg Kotis (Urinetown), who attended the University of Chicago around the same time as she did. ”Greg Kotis yes, he lived in my hall in Pierce one year. I remember he really enjoyed listening to my ideas since he really liked the arts and wait. Wait a second. Oh my god. That bastard.”
Arnold Oberst, S.B. 1995: Originator of the One Does Not Simply Meme
Many do not realize exactly how and where this phenomenon began. Arnold Oberst was one of the very first users of the Something Awful forums. In 2002 (under the username whereyourmomcomestodie), he participated in a thread that debated the merits of voice acting in Final Fantasy X. In a moment of heat, I just wanted to kind of, you know, take the edge off, Oberst told us. It wasnt as easy to get any image you wanted from the Internet in those days, especially since the movie had just been released, so I just wrote, ”guyz I just thought of something hilarious. picture that part of lotr movie where boromir goes, one does not simply walk into mordor. but INSTEAD he says, one does not simply use voice acting in the FF games. laugh out loud!!!!!!!!!!1!11” [wild snorting laughter]. Instantly, a legend was born.
Karl Lutz, Ph.D. 1976: Chinchilla Enthusiast
Karl Lutz may look like your average 63-year-old resident of Stamford, Connecticut. But beyond his pasty, withered exterior lies a passion extraordinary for someone of his age: a passion for chinchillas. After receiving my Ph.D. in psychology, Lutz recalled to us, ”it wasn’t long before I realized what I really yearned for: a Ph.D. in cute cuddly furballs that, unlike your diploma, can really love you back.” Lutz soon discovered how lucrative it would be to turn his home into a chinchilla rescue service, which is his full-time career today. He is currently housing and caring for 114 chinchillas of all shapes and sizes. We were curious about how he had dealt with living alone for all those years. Lutz became stern. ”I have all my, uh, needs filled by the chinchillas, thank you very much,” was all he said.
Angela Hu, S.B. 1980: Prover of Fermats Second-to-Last Theorem
Hu, a Deans List student who excelled in math, always wondered if she might be the next big star in mathematical progress. Well, as Hu related to us, she came close: ”I was agonizing over Fermats Last Theorem when my section professor walked up to me and said, ‘Try this instead.'” The proof seemed just as difficult as the previous one until she realized that it was directly related to her earlier homework on partially stable circular curves. ”It wasn’t that bad. I solved it in like twenty minutes,” Hu said. While not as glamorous as solving the Last Theorem, in Hu’s mind, it still ranks up there with what she calls her “first non-awkward social interaction,” which occurred toward the end of her third year.
Martin Small, M.B.A. 1971: The guy whose experience inspired that Viagra warning
I mean, we knew our school was uncommon, but (Small turned down our interview request).
