Just Drink the Damn Tea

By Te Amo

Feb. 20, 2018

Te Amo Boba Bar

Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all, you sniveling chumps. “Ugh, Te Amo’s so expensive”; “Why do I have to pay extra for boba?”; “Oh no, they never have anything I want to order.” We hear you, we understand you, but we don’t actually fucking care. Just drink the fucking tea.

Oh? Are the widdle babies sad they have to pay a lot? Why don’t mommy and daddy send you another Canada Goose to wipe your snotty noses on, you baby-backed brats? You want some boba? Whoop-dee-fucking-doo, we have some. If you don’t want it, go spend a fucking year on the CTA to go get some. Or you can suck our tapioca balls, because however much you keep whining, there’s a reason we’re always out of tea, and it’s not because you preppy fucks find somewhere else to take selfies with your mango-peach boba.

There’s a lot we could do to improve, and we’ve definitely received a bunch of criticism in our first few weeks in Hyde Park. But until you whiny suckers stop spending money from the internship your pederast got for you last summer on our crap tea, then feel free to eat shit and shut up.