I Have Never Seen a Horse

By Jake Frisch

Nov. 11, 2012

It’s not like I don’t know what they are, I’m not an idiot. I’ve just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying, “We have to take you out one day to see a horse,” but they never do. I’ve just been cruising along not knowing what a horse looks like. It’s not like it’s a big deal or anything. It hasn’t really impacted my life at all. It’s just that, well, it would probably be nice to see a horse someday. They seem like pretty chill animals.

You can ride them, apparently, which might be a pretty cool thing to do. I’m not sure how fast they go, though. They probably go really, super fast. That would be my guess. I think I watched part of a movie about a horse once, but my apartment lost power just as they were about to introduce the character, so I never got to see it. I even went to see the play War Horse, but I sat behind this really fat guy who was so big that I couldn’t even see the stage for the entire play.

People try to describe horses to me. They say, “It’s kind of like a… cow. But skinnier. And it’s brown instead of white and black. And it doesn’t have horns or anything, just a regular head.” But I never make it far enough to picture a horse. I always get caught up in what a skinny cow would look like. I bet it’d be pretty funny. I bet a skinny cow would be a funny thing to see.

Once I Googled “What does a horse look like is it like a skinny cow?” but the search only comes up with a website entitled “99 Golden Facts About Urine,” which, after reading it, did not have any pictures of horses. I did, however, learn a lot about pee and stuff.

One day I’ll see a horse, I’m sure of it. I don’t think many people have gone their whole lives without seeing horses, unless they were like Eskimos or something. I wonder if Eskimos have seen horses. Probably not in real life, but definitely in Eskimo newspapers. There are probably a lot of horses in Eskimo newspapers.

But yeah, I’ve never actually seen a horse. If you have any pictures, though, I’d be happy if you just sent them over. You can email me them at [email protected]gmail.com and I’ll probably take a look.